Strewn 'Cross the Barroom Floor
by esotaria
Summary: Can rascally Roderick Rodent find romance? Sequel to the play "The Face on the Barroom Floor".


Strewn 'Cross The Barroom Floor 

**Or**

**Chased Through The Sawdust**

An Astonishing Theatrical Event

Illustrating In Words and Action

The Evil of Deception And The

Triumph of True Love

FEATURING:

Deception, Despair, And All New Scenery

TAKE HEED:

This Divertissement Has No Literary

Value In Most States Of The Union

Penned by Katie _____ 

(For A Unique Gathering of Talent Consisting of Fifteen- 9 Female, 6 Male or 10 Female, 5 Male. Plus Optional Extras And Olio Acts.)

Strewn 'Cross The Barroom Floor 

Act One

Scene 1

"A FATIMA NEVER FORGIVES"

SETTING: _Same as Act 1 Scene 1 in FBF. _

AT THE RISE: _ANNIE, reminiscent of the original, is alone, asleep, and snoring. FATIMA's patented scream pierces through the silence, startling the bartender awake. FATIMA jumps in a kung-fu pose and screams again. Annie screams in response. They both keep screaming._

FATIMA: _(scream/shout)_ WHY ARE WE SCREAMING?

ANNIE: _(scream/shout)_ YOU STARTED IT!

FATIMA: _(scream/shout)_ I'LL KILL HIM!

ANNIE: _(scream/shout)_ WHO? (Coughs) Who?

(Fatima jumps forward in her kung-fu pose, screams again, making Annie start, and plants herself at a table, muttering incoherently.)

ANNIE: _(to audience)_ Is it just me, or is this looking a little familiar? _(Approaches Fatima hesitantly.) _Can I get you anything?  
  
FATIMA: I'll kill him I'll kill him I'll kill him I'll kill him…

ANNIE: Okay…you do that. _(Makes the crazy sign to the audience and goes back behind the bar and starts cleaning some glasses. Snow is tossed in, then CHICK enters.)_

CHICK:_ (to Annie) _Whiskey! _(sees Fatima) _Chinese girl!

ANNIE: Well whaddya want, whiskey or the Chinese girl?

CHICK: You've got a rotten sense of humor, Annie.

ANNIE: I know, I know. I'll get you that whiskey.

(Annie goes off to get the whiskey, Chick sits down, HERBIE enters. He stops, grins, gets covered in snow, walks over to Chick.)

HERBIE: Hey Chick.

CHICK: Hey Herbie.

ANNIE: _(bringing over Chick's whiskey)_ What'll it be, Herbie?  
  
HERBIE: Got Peppermint Schnapps? _(Annie gives him the Look) _I'll take whiskey.

ANNIE: Gotcha. _(goes to the bar and snags a bottle of whiskey and a shot glass to take over to the table. She pours Herbie a glass and hands it to him. He drinks it and makes his usual gagging reaction, slamming the glass onto the table.)_

HERBIE: Oh my God!

ANNIE: What? Did I get the kerosene mixed up with the whiskey again?  
  
HERBIE: This tastes like whiskey!

ANNIE: _(takes a look at the bottle) _Well whaddya know?

  
HERBIE: _(afraid of the answer)_ What?  
  
ANNIE: This is _Madeline's_ whiskey!

(beat)

CHICK and HERBIE: What?!?

ANNIE: Ever since she and Jack made up she's been distilling it.

CHICK: I thought she hated whiskey.

ANNIE: She did…until she accidentally drank Jack's glass. Now she's got a taste for the stuff.

(DUSTY enters)

DUSTY: The Denver Stage Coach is here! _(walks center and snow is belatedly tossed in)_ Howdy Chick.

CHICK: Howdy Dusty.

HERBIE: Howdy Dusty!

DUSTY: Howdy Herbie. Howdy Annie.

ANNIE: Howdy Dusty.

(They keeping Howdy-ing each other until…)

DUSTY: Can we stop with all the howdys!! Sakes alive, didn't we do this in the LAST play?

HERBIE: _(the dawn rises) _I think he's right!

ANNIE: I thought this sounded familiar. _(to Dusty)_ What'll be, Dusty?

DUSTY: _(hopefully)_ Singapore Sling? _(Annie gives him the Look)_

HERBIE: Get the whiskey.

DUSTY: The whiskey?

HERBIE: The whiskey.

CHICK: Whiskey?

HERBIE: Whiskey.

DUSTY: _(to Annie)_ Whiskey.

ANNIE: _(nods)_ Whiskey. _(turns to go back to the bar)_

MRS. VAN CLEAVE'S VOICE: _Whiskey_! _(MRS. VAN CLEAVE walks in with LITTLE GLORIA, THEDA SWANSONG, JUDGE FLEESUM, BELLA YUKON/FLEESUM, and the other passengers_) I should have known you wouldn't have changed your ways. Pathetic, the lot of you.

ANNIE: What are YOU doing here?  
  
THEDA: We came for Miss Mockingbird, or should I say, Mrs. Goodheart's birthday.

MADELINE'S VOICE: My birthday? _(MADELINE and JACK enter a strike a dramatic, loving pose. They wait for the snow. And wait. And wait. Finally they look at each other, shrug, and move center.)_

MRS. VAN CLEAVE: _(hurries over to Madeline) _My dear girl, happy birthday.

ALL: Ha-

(Snow falls on Mrs. Van Cleave, Madeline, and Jack from the ceiling. They study the roof, look at Annie to see if she knows what's going on, Annie shrugs, they look back at each other and shrug, and continue.)

ALL: Happy birthday, Madeline!

MADELINE: Thank you, thank you all. I'm dishonored, I really am!

RODERICK'S VOICE: Fatima!

ALL: Fatima?

RODERICK'S VOICE: Fatima!

ALL: Fatima?

RODERICK:_ (RODERICK enters) _Enter Roderick Rodent! _(sees Fatima) _Fatima!_ (runs towards her, trips, and falls.)_

ANNIE: Damn, rush hour's getting early.

(Upon seeing Roderick Fatima and Jack give identical kung-fu shouts and lunge at him, but miss and run into each other instead because of his fall. This, of course, is obviously staged. While they lie there, groaning, a stage hand comes out and dumps snow on them, having missed Roderick originally. After the stage hand leaves Jack and Fatima jump up and proceed to pummel Roderick while he begs for Fatima to listen.)

MADELINE:_ (pulling fruitlessly at Jack's arm) _Oh stop, Jack, stop!

ANNIE: _Enough_! _(pulls Jack and Fatima up and "holds" them up by the scruff of their necks.) _What do you want,_ Rodent_?

RODERICK: _(to Fatima)_ Please let me explain, dearest.

ALL/LITTLE GLORIA: Dearest?/Explain what?

(Fatima growls)

RODERICK: Please, dearest!

ALL/LITTLE GLORIA: Dearest?/Explain what?

RODERICK: Please!

LITTLE GLORIA: _(stamps her foot)_ EXPLAIN WHAT?

ANNIE: Yeah. _(drops Jack and Fatima)_ What?

FATIMA: NO! _(turns from Roderick and crosses her arms)_ There can be no forgiveness.

RODERICK: Plea-

FATIMA: NO! 

ANNIE: Let him talk. We've got time to kill. _(The cast gathers around Roderick similar to the final scene of the original play. Jack has his foot on Roderick's back, and they all lean in attentively.)_

RODERICK: _(to Fatima) _I never meant to hurt you, dearest heart. I love you.

FATIMA: _(not facing Roderick)_ Liar!

RODERICK: _(to audience)_ Why _are_ women always saying that to me? _(back to Fatima)_ I know in the beginning my motives were questionable, but my love for you is true!

ANNIE: What ARE you going on about?

RODERICK: _(as if finally realizing he and Fatima aren't the only ones in the room) It _started back in Denver, at the New Teller House. I was miserable. I was poor. I wanted out! So I decided to break out. But how? Then I designed a plan. I knew Fatima had been in love with me at one time _(Fatima gives an embarrassed snort),_ so I decided to make her fall in love with me again and help me break out. _(looks back at Fatima) _But I never expected to fall in love in the process.

ALL: Fall in LOVE? 

(BLACKOUT)

End of Act I, Scene 1 

Scene 2

"RODERICK FINDS GOD"

SETTING: _The New Teller House in Denver._

AT RISE: _Roderick is sitting in the center of a group of little kids, reading them "The Boy Who Cried 'Wolf!'" in a sickly sweet voice._

RODERICK: But then, one night, a wolf did come, and as it attacked the sheep the boy cried "WOLF! WOLF!" But when the villagers heard, they did not believe the boy, and remained in bed. And so the boy lost all his sheep. _(closes the book with great satisfaction. Sing song)_ The end.

_(The teacher leads the kids in clapping, thanks Roderick and hands him some money and hustles them out of the door. Roderick is counting the money with a blissful look on his face when Fatima and two guards enter. Fatima walks up to Roderick and holds out her hand with a smug look on her face. Snarling and reluctantly he hands over the money._ _She makes a big show out of counting it and sashays off. Roderick steps forward, but the two guards continue standing as if he's still between them.)_

RODERICK: Curses! It's been a year since that Judge Fleebite tossed me in jail, and I STILL haven't paid Fatima and Bella back in full. How long must I slave away in this…this hellhole?!?! _(He turns wistful, and as he continues the STRANGE LADY walks in, carrying her lily and looking mysterious as ever.)_ Will I ever again be able to punish the stupid for being stupid by taking all their money? That is what I should be doing; stealing money from the stupid and giving it to me! Not_…(sounds disgusted)_ _reading_ to brain-dead little brats. I must escape. But how?

_(He starts pacing back and forth, rubbing his moustache, thinking heavily)_

RODERICK: _(infuriated because he cannot think of anything)_ Curses! It's all that Bella's fault! I'm sure she had something to do with Fatima turning against me. A girl that stupid in love would never dream that her lover would betray her. _(Comes the dawn) _In love…yes, Fatima _was_ in love with me…and they says that first love never dies…I HAVE IT!! _(The Strange Lady tilts her head curiously as he starts laughing)_ I shall make Fatima fall in love with me again, and when she's head over heels, she'll gladly help me escape! Then I can dump her and roam free once more! But not here…maybe I'll go to Canada…or Mexico… or Cockeysville… Who cares? I'LL BE FREE!! 

(The Strange Lady gives a heartbroken sigh, and Roderick continues to laugh evilly as dramatic music plays and the lights slowly fade and then get brighter. The teacher ushers the children back in, and they sit around him eagerly. He gives them a bright, sugary sweet smile, takes out a book, and begins reading 'The Gingerbread Man'.)

RODERICK: Once there was an old couple who baked a gingerbread boy. But just as they finished making the boy, he POPPED right out of the oven and said "Run run run, fast as you can, you can't catch me I'm the GINGERBREAD MAN!" And ran as fast as he could. Now, this Gingerbread Man smelled delicious, so as he ran by a wolf tried to catch him, but the Gingerbread Man was too fast. Next an owl tried to catch him, but again the Gingerbread Man was too fast. Then the Gingerbread Man reached a river. He looked desperately for a way across, and a fox offered to carry him. The Gingerbread Man got onto the fox's back and they began to swim across. Half-way across the river the fox stopped, shook the Gingerbread Man off his back, and ate him. _(with great satisfaction)_ The end.

(The kids sit in dead silence. Then one little boy stands up and starts clapping, and slowly all the kids give him a standing ovation. Roderick bows regally. The teacher smiles nervously, hands him the money, and hurriedly ushers the still-clapping kids out of the room. Roderick smirks as he counts the money. He hears Fatima and the guards coming and immediately plasters a love-struck puppy look on his face. She enters and he runs forward, grabbing her hands.)

RODERICK: I must speak with you. 

FATIMA: _(shocked)_ O-okay… _(She waves at the guards and Roderick leads her to a corner, where she recovers.)_ What do you want, _Rodent_?

RODERICK: _(taking her hands again)_ Can you _ever_ forgive me?

FATIMA: For what?

RODERICK: I have found God, Fatima, and He has shown me the error of my ways! But, most importantly, He has shown me you.

FATIMA: Me?

RODERICK: I have loved you forever and a day, Fatima, but I was too wicked to recognize such pure feelings inside my heart. Instead I used and abused you unforgivably. Please let me make it up to you!

FATIMA: You…you love me?

RODERICK: I do.

FATIMA: You _really_ love me?

RODERICK: Heart, soul, and pocket book.

FATIMA: _(glomps him)_ Oh Roderick!

RODERICK: Oh Fatima!

FATIMA: Oh Roderick!_ (turns and knocks out the two guards)_

RODERICK: _(to audience)_ Oh FREEDOM!_ (He takes Fatima's hand and they run offstage. The Strange Lady walks center, holding the lily to her nose.)_

STRANGE LADY: Interesting.

(BLACKOUT) End of Act I 

ACT TWO

Scene 1

"THE GINGERBREAD RODENT"

SETTING: _The New Teller House. It is empty._

AT RISE: _Fatima and Roderick run in, hand in hand._

RODERICK: Here, we'll hide here. They'll never think to look for us at the "scene of the crime".

FATIMA: _(swooning) _You're so brilliant, Roderick.

RODERICK: _(preening)_ I know, I know. _(He turns back to Fatima and takes her hands)_ Now my little Jasmine, I need you to get money and a change of clothes for us. After that, anywhere you wish! The world is our oyster! _(Fatima gasps, clasping her hands in delight, and rushes out. Roderick chuckles after she's gone)_ "Our" oyster…HA! It's MY oyster…once I get that money. _(The Strange Lady walks in and observes from a corner as he continues)_ After that, nothing will stop me! I will charm the ladies of Paris! I will woo the women of Venice! I will beguile the girls of Dulaney! And I will be RICH! RICH RICH RICH! I'll be tied to NO ONE'S apron strings, not even Fatima's. _(He trails off uncertainly at that)_ Yes…I will leave Fatima…behind… _(He's quiet, then…)_ Why is my heart trembling? Why are my knees shaking? Why does my very being scream out her name. Fatima. Fatima! _(He has an epiphany)_ Could…could I be in…love? _(He laughs nervously in denial)_ With Fatima? Nay, impossible. And yet…Fatima. Fatima. YES! I love her! I LOVE her! As shocking and horrifying and completely out-of-character as it may be, I LOVE FATIMA! Let her go? Never! She will be by my side always, no matter what! Granted, I'll have to be a bit more…discreet, in my business transactions, but anything to stay by her side. _(He strikes a dramatic, love-ridden pose, and a GULLIBLE RICH GIRL walks in.)_

GULLIBLE RICH GIRL: _(to Roderick)_ Excuse me, where can I find Mrs. Bonaparte B. Boogaloo?

RODERICK: Might I enquire why you desire her presence? 

GULLIBLE RICH GIRL: _(enthusiastically)_ Oh, she's a poet of _great renown, and I was hoping she'd take a look at my poetry and give me advice._

RODERICK: _(holding out his hand)_ May I?

GULLIBLE RICH GIRL: Certainly!

(She hands a piece of paper to him and he begins to read)

RODERICK: Roses are pink, violets are navy, I think I'm in love…somebody save me? _(steps out of character) _You call this original? The first two lines are a famous quotation, and the last two make no sense!

GULLIBLE RICH GIRL:_ (also stepping out of character) _They do too make sense! She's asking to be saved from love! And the famous quote is "Roses are RED, violets are BLUE" not "Roses are _pink, violets are __navy." Besides, that's what it says in the script._

RODEIRCK:_ (looks at audience with a confused expression and shrugs.)_ Whatever. _(He  steps back into character) _You wrote this?

GULLIBLE RICH GIRL: _(back in character, proudly)_ It came right out of my own head.

RODERICK: _(to audience)_ I'd have it stuffed. _(to the Gullible Rich Girl)_ This is brilliant! Magnificent! This is EXACTLY what my publisher is looking for!

GULLIBLE RICH GIRL: Really?

RODERICK: Really! I work for a prestigious publishing company, and we've been searching far and wide for the perfect poem to top off our volume of the century's best poetry. And this, my dear, is it! _(pulls a contract and a pen out of his jacket and hands them to her)_ If you'll sign here I'll send it to the firm straight away.

GULLIBLE RICH GIRL: Wow, this is wonderful! _(She is just about to sign when Fatima walks in and witnesses the transaction. She gasps loudly)_

RODERICK: Fatima!

FATIMA: _(slow burn)_ How could you?

RODERICK: _(attempts at innocence)_ How could I what?

FATIMA: You said you found God. You said you loved me.

RODERICK: I DO love you!

FATIMA: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

RODERICK: What about thrice?

(Fatima gives off her patented scream and attacks Roderick. She beats him up in an obviously staged manner, and then flees the scene, sobbing.)

RODERICK: _(in shock)_ She's gone. She left me. _(to the Gullible Rich Girl) _How could she leave? Just as I realized the truth? _(She backs away slowly, drops the contract and pen, and then quickly flees.) _I can't live without her! I WON'T live without her! I will follow her wherever she goes! I will MAKE her understand! _(beat) _But first…a little nap. _(He collapses, unconscious. The Strange Lady steps forward and studies him with interest.)_

STRANGE LADY: Curiouser and curiouser.

(BLACKOUT)

End of Act II, Scene 1 

Scene Two

"ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL"

SETTING: _The Old Teller House. _

AT RISE: _Roderick is finishing his story, bawling, while Fatima is turned away from him, trying not to cry, and the rest of the cast is torn between sympathy and satisfaction._

RODERICK: _(sobbing)_ When I finally regained consciousness she was gone! I scoured the town for her, but she wasn't there! I pulled out the last of my resources to look for you, Fatima, and now, now I have finally found you!

CHICK: _(crying)_ That's the saddest story I ever heard! _(Jack hears this, pauses to think, then gives an indignant "Hey!")_ I thought it was going to be like "Goldie-locks and the Three Bears"!

FATIMA: _(stiffly)_ It won't do you any good, _Rodent_. I won't take you back.

RODERICK: But Fatima-

FATIMA: _(whirling around)_ No! I've fallen under your spell twice already, and I will not be caught again!

RODERICK: I LOVE YOU!!

FATIMA: You said that to get me to get you out of jail.

RODERICK: It was said with ill intent, but every word was true! _(to audience)_ Well, most of it, anyway. _(to Fatima)_ I am a changed man, my dearest. I have sworn off conning! I haven't beguiled another foolish young woman since you left, not even to fund my search for you.

FATIMA: Yeah right. _(She threatens him with her fist) _You're not getting me again, _Rodent_. _(She advances on him, then…)_

STRANGE LADY'S VOICE: Wait!

(All run stage right. The Strange Lady enters slowly.)

STRANGE LADY: I am-

ALL: Mrs. Bonaparte B. Boogaloo. _(The Strange Lady looks confused)_

DUSTY: That was the _last_ play. _(Understanding crosses the Strange Lady's face)_

JUDGE FLEESUM: How do you spell that again?

HERBIE: _(proudly) _B-o-o-g-a-l-o-o. _(All turn and look at him)_ I looked it up in the dictionary. 

BELLA: What are you doing here, Mrs. Boogaloo?

STRANGE LADY: I have been observing Mr. Rodent ever since he broke out of prison. I heard he was in love with Fatima.

RODERICK: I AM in love with Fatima.

STRANGE LADY: I had to see that for myself. I believe you. _(Everybody claps…hesitantly.)_

RODERICK: Thank you, Strange Person.

(Annie and Herbie step out of the crowd)

ANNIE: Do you think they're sick of all the jokes we've taken from the original play yet?

HERBIE: _(shrugs)_ I don't know. _(He walks up and addresses audience) _Well?_ (Yay or nay, the audience answers. Herbie turns to Annie.)_ There ya have it.

(They walk back into the crowd and the play continues)

STRANGE LADY: _(to Fatima) _His love is sincere.

CHICK: Third time's the charm.

(Fatima thinks this over as the cast agonizes over what her decision will be.)

FATIMA: You really have changed?

RODERICK: I have.

FATIMA: No more lying?

RODERICK: Truthfully.

FATIMA: No more cheating?

RODERICK: Honest.

FATIMA: Oh Roderick! _(She falls to her knees and glomps him.)_

MADELINE: _(pulling Jack off of Roderick)_ Oooh, isn't love romantic?

DUSTY: You really have changed, Rodent.

BELLA: You know, Rodent, you're a pretty talented producer when you're not lying. You could make an honest career out of it.

THEDA: I know many young ladies who could use your…savory services. 

RODERICK: _(Looks back and forth between the Strange Lady and the rest of the cast while Theda is talking) _Has anyone noticed that the Strange Lady doesn't get snow?

HERBIE: Yeah, what's up with that?

JACK: She gets the dramatic entrances.

(Theda coughs, and everyone's attention returns to her)

THEDA: _As I was saying_, I know of many young ladies who could use your talents.

MRS. VAN CLEAVE: You can start with Little Gloria! Gloria! _(Gloria stamps on Dusty's foot and dashes over to her mother. Mrs. Van Cleave pushes her towards Roderick.) _Sing for the producer, dearest.

(Little Gloria opens her mouth and decimates, mutilates, and completely destroys 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star'. Everyone is either moaning, groaning, or standing there looking shell-shocked. Mrs. Van Cleave, of course, is very proud. At seeing her oblivion Roderick gets a greedy look in his eye.)

RODERICK: I would LOVE to accept Little Gloria. She deserves to be heard! _(He is given a death glare by everyone in the cast except for Mrs. Van Cleave and Little Gloria. He coughs.) _Ehh, but I cannot guarantee success. Beauty is in the eyes…er, ears of the beholder.

(Everyone clusters around Roderick, commenting on his behavior.)

JACK:_ (puts his hand on Roderick's shoulder) _You really _are_ a changed man, Rodent.

RODERICK: Well, you learn a thing or two when you're-

ALL: Strewn 'cross the barroom floor.

(BLACKOUT)

End of Play 


End file.
